Her Twenties

Have you ever been in the situation of telling your friend a story about your childhood and you look over to them having their head tilt with a face of concern? Well, I have and if you have, you know that the following conversation is a real buzz-kill.

It’s a surreal experience being in your twenties and discovering how much your childhood effects you as an adult. Sure my dad had a quick temper and yelled at me, but I was a kid so it doesn’t matter now, right?

Wrong.

I’m in my twenties, 23 to be exact, and if ANYONE raises a SLIGHT octave in their voice, I will recognize it right away and two things will happen. 1) My mind will automatically assume that you’re upset with me or that I must’ve done something wrong. 2) Most importantly, I will absolutely, without a doubt, shut down mentally and physically. It’s like all of my words get stuck in my throat, my heart rate goes through the roof, and my body suddenly stops working.

Don’t get me started about the phrase, “Hey, I need to talk to you later.” What a nightmare of a saying.

My best friend Daniela and I were having a conversation about our childhood experiences recently. We were starting to see problems arise in our life because of untreated or neglected trauma from our childhood. (clarification: trauma looks different for everyone).

I did some research and this is the definition of trauma I’m referring to. “Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel a full range of emotions and experiences. It does not discriminate and it is pervasive throughout the world.”

There are three main types of trauma: Acute, Chronic, or Complex:

• Acute: results from a single incident.
• Chronic: is repeated and prolonged such as domestic violence or abuse.
• Complex: is exposure to varied and multiple traumatic events, often of an invasive, interpersonal nature.

One of the problems I’ve noticed in my personal life is that I have an anxious attachment style and a tendency to be co-dependent. Attachment styles are developed as early as 9 to 18 months old. (attachment styles can change throughout your life based on self-reflection and relationship experiences). The point is that early childhood experiences are crucial to the individual’s development. Events that happened in your past that seemed so minuscule at the time but later caused real conflicts in life.

It can be overwhelming to see issues or lack for a better word, roadblocks, come out of nowhere only to realize it stems from your childhood. By roadblocks I mean things that stop you from achieving or going after what you’ve always wanted in life.

Uncovering your trauma is challenging and exhausting. You’re bringing up old wounds while trying to cover the new ones – it seems impossible to get better and your pain is multiplying. Give yourself some grace and understand what you are doing is extremely hard. Allow yourself to have bad days and acknowledge that being self-aware is already a huge accomplishment and wanting to do something about it is even bigger.

I look at it (by it i mean uncovering my truama) by taking it day by day or even step by step. If you look at the big picture and see all that you are working through, it will seem unfeasible to overcome.

Your twenties are already so confusing and difficult as hell that dealing with your past trauma seems like you’ll never be okay or happy again. But I’m here to tell you that learning through your “roadblocks” is going to be raw, suffocating in a way, and you’ll be vulnerable to the point that it’s uncomfortable – but it will be worth it in the end.

You’ll be able to spot the red signs from a mile away and your journey will have a lot less stops. You will be happy and maybe even one day you can look back at your past not wanting to change anything – because it made you who you are today (which is a bad ass bitch).

references: https://integratedlistening.com/what-is-trauma/ https://earlyconnections.mo.gov/professionals/trauma-informed-care