Her Twenties

I’m ENGAGED! I’m still processing it myself and the reality of it all. It’s an exciting and joyful time, but a part of me still doesn’t feel like it’s real.

Ever since I was in high school, I would watch my friends be in relationships and wonder when it would be my time. No one talks about the effects of going through all the school years and not having someone interested in you romantically. When you see all of your friends get attention from boys and have that excitement of someone liking them makes you question if there’s something wrong with you. It negatively affected me when the only attention I got from boys was to get my best friend’s number. I started to believe it was never going to happen for me. That no guy would be interested in me, and I would be by myself for the rest of my life, which killed me inside.

I was convinced that I wouldn’t meet someone, so I started telling myself I didn’t want to get married and didn’t really want kids. I definitely was using that as a way to cope with the fear of rejection. You can’t be rejected if you don’t want it, you know? So, that was what I kept telling myself for a long time. It was until a year ago that I sorted through all of my negative thoughts and emotions that I accepted the fact that even though I had given up most of my hope, I still desired to fall in love and eventually start a family. Skylar wasn’t even in the picture at this time. I was actually interested in somebody else who didn’t feel the same way right before Skylar came into my life. After I got rejected, it brought me to a place in my life where I wasn’t concerned about anyone. I remember texting Daniela, my bff, about what happened, and I said, “I’m tired of being the one who pursues or says something first. I just want someone who pursues and likes me and tells me what they’re feeling. So, I’m done thinking about relationships until then.” And then, a week and a half later, I (re)met Skylar on a young adult’s trip to a baseball game in Pensacola.

God works in numerous ways that are sometimes unseen by us. I can look back now and see how God was working in my life, connect the dots to where I’m currently, and be confident that I’m right where He wants me to be. One of the main reasons I’m so confident about marrying Skylar is how I experienced doors being closed left and right before he came along. It was like I was in a long hallway looking at every room with curious eyes and God saying nope, not this one, and in each room, there were lessons I had to learn and things I had to come to terms with. The hallway was long and had lots of doors but at the end, in the middle, was Skylar. It was all to prepare myself for my future. It led me to the person I never thought I would get the chance to have. It led me to everything I had prayed for (and more) in a partner. It led me to someone who makes everything worth it. Every doubt I ever had, and all the pain I’ve ever felt is worth it if it meant I got Skylar.

Some of you are thinking that it’s way too soon to be engaged. I get it. If it wasn’t me, I would’ve thought the same thing. I really thought I would be with someone AT LEAST a year before I would even THINK about marriage. (Can you tell my parents are divorced LOL) But what they say is true; when you know, you know.

I never understood “when you know, you know” because the truth is you may think you know at 23, but you might not feel that way at 48, that’s what always scared me. I would overthink to the extreme and question if I knew that Skylar was “the one.” But if I thought that, then the saying “when you know, you know” didn’t apply to me, and maybe that meant something. Maybe he wasn’t “the one,” even though I was 99% sure he was… If I knew he was “the one” then I wouldn’t have to question it, right? (literally what was repeating in my head for months until something clicked) I realized that I will never know how I’ll feel 20 years from now, but I do know that he’s the person I’ll work hard for to make us work when it gets hard. I know my love for him and his love for me might see some challenges in our lifetime, but without a doubt, I know we both choose each other and will continue to do so.

So “when you know, you know” is a complicated phrase in itself, but not in its meaning. Not in the way you expect it, though… Not in the way “I love this person now, so I’ll love them forever, and my feelings will never waver” way. It’s in the way that “I know that I know because I’ll choose to fight with them for days and not give up because that’s my person. I know I would do anything for this person because they are worth it to me. I choose this person over what I’m feeling at the moment” way. It’s when you know feelings are fleeting, but they are the one who you want to fight for in the end.

It didn’t take me long to figure out that I wanted Skylar to be by my side through it all. Through the good and the bad, through the embarrassing and the proudest of times, through the dumb arguments and stubborn attitudes, through the chaos and the peace. I never thought I would find a love or a person like this, and I’m too selfish to give it much thought, so I just thank the Lord instead.